#26 – disaster

Hello writespiration. It’s been a while since we’ve spoken. It seems fitting to me that I would pick disaster as the next entry. 

My life right now is a bit of a disaster. Nothing we won’t weather, nothing we can’t weather. Just a rough patch that proves that sometimes you need faith in yourself before you have faith in anything else. I’d still take my own problems home. 

I often say I can’t complain, we have food and shelter. Well, if not for my dad, we might not have either. So while I am thankful that we’re in the position that we’re in, I still wish in some small ways we were not. We wouldn’t be here if my sister wasn’t dead, if my mother wasn’t dead, if the twins were a little older when mom died, if I was a little more selfish and didn’t put my life on hold, didn’t bring my life with me, to come back and look after them. If I wasn’t stubborn enough to declare this my kids home, once “my big kids” were grown. That’s a lot of ifs. 

Life is not built on “what if” and I have very few actual regrets. Most of them stem from things I haven’t done versus things I have done. I love who I am and how I got here. I just wish karma had decided I gave enough back for my current life to not be the disaster it is busy impersonating. I am still pretty sure I will wake up one day and my fairy godmother will have come. In the mean time, I am my own fairy and I make my own luck.

I am not a disaster. We are not a disaster. We are a work in progress, and progress is often dirty and unkempt.