Off to College

Can we stop time for a hot minute? 

One of the people I made is getting ready to move 4.5 hours away from me, into an apartment he secured on his own, to go to a college that was “The Only College”, that he basically managed, on his own, to get a full ride to attend. 

I have long said I am amazed by my children. They are all unique. I joke that “I had the same recipe each time, but they came out so different!” That is more of an absolute than an observation. They’re all smart. Certifiable genius in their own right. Like, Mensa smart, when Mensa was still impressive. (Is Mensa still impressive? I haven’t heard about them in over a decade.)

This one though. This is the first child I raised from beginning to adulthood*. I sit back and just watch his life unfold and I am full of wonder. I am looking at old photos and I am pulled back in time to when Mommy was The Only Word and snuggles were a daily demand. I smile softly to myself when my child, my adult child, is feeling poorly and still comes to cuddle with his mama. I find myself getting weepy – something I just am not in most cases – over the thought of him pulling away more and more, going off to live his life.

I am ecstatic. I am impressed. I am all of these big feelings I don’t even have proper words for. Mostly though? Mostly I am Proud. Proud of this little boy who turned into this grown man before my eyes who has direction and discipline and a level head and goals. So many goals. The world is opening up to him and I cannot wait to see where he takes himself. 

So yes, I’d like to stop time for just a moment. Like a camera I want to capture them all, to file away to remember when I am so old I can’t remember anything. I have spent over 18 years pushing him forward but still being there when he needs to take a step back. Encouraging his interests while stepping him away from perils. Having his back when all he wants is to escape and fly away.

I am honored to have been along for this journey. I am joyous that we have this amazing relationship where he knows he can tell me anything, ask me anything, knows he has our undying support in all that he does. I am sitting here typing, tears escaping because I know that in a few short months instead of yelling across the house or peeking outside to see if his car is here I’ll have to pick up the phone or drive across the state. Instead of knowing what is going on in his life daily and first hand I will have to settle for less frequent chats and hearing about things long after they’ve been completed. 

I am sure I sound like every other mother sending their first child off to wherever they are sending them off to. Some days I think I am more excited than he is, to see him start this new chapter, this new journey. I truly can’t wait to see where he takes himself in life. He has big dreams and all I want to do is make sure he realizes them. 

*I’ve sent a child off to college already, but I didn’t make him, I just got to help finish him. I was not prepared for how different a feeling I would have when it was my own child. My own start to finish. I joke this child, this newly minted adult, is my clone, we are so much alike. How we speak, our likes and dislikes, our mannerisms. It truly is like a piece of me is getting ready to leave with him. A piece I gladly part with, with full expectations it will visit often and tell me everything.