Parenting Adult Children
Last year I wrote about dropping my oldest biological child off at college. Not that he needed us to drop him off, he needed a second car to transport his stuff. It’s a year and a few days later. We’ve recently escorted him north again, same day, same reason. Less that he needed his mama to take him to school and more that he needed a second vehicle to transport his ever-growing collection of stuff. I am still happy to do this. One day he will opt to load up a trailer or a truck and take himself somewhere he doesn’t need me to follow. I’ve said it before, that is the day we all work so hard for. It will simultaneously be the most painful day ever and the most satisfying day ever if you ask me. I guess ask me when it really happens, but right now, today, I think that is how it will play out.
So… 2020. That same college student came home in March for his spring break and (somewhat involuntarily) stayed. We cancelled a pretty decent vacation this year. We cancelled lots of Disney. We cancelled the Disney cards! We cancelled big graduation celebrations and had ridiculously low-key celebrations instead. The same for 18th birthday celebrations. Doctors appointments. Overnights. Orientations. I mean… did 2020 not cancel anything?
Let’s fast forward to August, because everything from March to August is sort of a blur anyway. Middle child turned 18 recently. He got his drivers license. That is a posting unto itself, and one I may share soon as well. He started college! I didn’t have the same sort of heartbreak over M because M is continuing at his local school to complete his T-TEN program. We’ve still had growing pains. Not a week after getting his license he was off and driving by himself to school every morning. A week after that and he is getting in his groove with new friends, wanting to head off campus for lunch, doing all these amazing age-appropriate things that I am so happy to see happen.
We drove up to FSU the day after M’s birthday to take D’s stuff up to him. He turns 20 in a few weeks. In the time of COVID-19, two of his classes are in person, the rest are online. Had they all been online he would have sublet his place and stayed here. I think this is better – much as it breaks my heart for him to move out again. To acknowledge his room can be turned into a guest room. It just hurts in this bittersweet way, because it is also amazing to see my children, children I have been writing about for two decades now if you count pregnancy blogging, are growing up, moving out, moving on. Even the not quite 16 year old is working on finding their place in the world.
Quite some time ago I jotted this down
…and how much I regret all of the things I couldn’t do for you… they broke my heart, but they built your character.
Jennifer Johnpoll
While I never really completed the thought, I think I was reflecting on how much my adult children do for themselves. Not in a bad way, not at all. The FSU child? He worked hard, he got practically a full ride on his own. Who entered his “freshman” year of college as a Sophomore, who is considered a Junior in his second year due to that hard work and Dual Enrollment. Did we contribute? Yes, in small ways. We helped shape the person who achieved that, even though those achievements are solely his own. In not doing for him, he learned how to do for himself. In not being able to provide all the wants, but being able to provide all of the needs, we helped shape a person who knows what they want and learned how to get it and the value of those achievements.
My middle child? Those same lessons, meted out to a different beat. He also won scholarships for his program – a program he has already completed two years of CDE (Career Dual Enrollment) in and has started the next phase of his training. My autistic child, who I was never sure if he would graduate, on time or at all, who I was never sure would do so many neurotypical things, so many milestones he was just this side of late on… this is a blessing.
My third born, who is struggling with their own transitions. Who has been doing distance/online learning for the last two years anyway and we were so excited to get back into physical school this year. That plan was of course trashed, so another year of online learning it is. They will find their way, and ten years from now these formative years won’t matter. No one looks back at 14, 16, 18 and says “man, that really matters now that I’m 25!”, and we’re trying to enforce that. Trying to continue to teach that where you are right now is a culmination of every choice you’ve ever made, but you can always make a new choice and change your story.
I’m making a choice to wrap this up – I’ve wandered away from the point. I am a parent of five. Two of them, my siblings, I joke I “inherited”. My own children are closer in age to them than I am. They are getting ready to close on a condo. Three of them I made myself. Of those three, one has moved out for university, one is staying home for college/trade school, and one is working hard to wrap up high school. I’d say they are all on the right path, even though it isn’t the same path.
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